THE SLOW TRAIN TO..... OK, ignore my previous entry about Chinese trains, I have now been on three overnighters and I have made a startling discovery - they don't actually go anywhere! The reason you pay about 70p for a 15 hour train journey is that the driver goes 50 yards out of the station then turns off the cabin lights so everyone goes to bed. He then stays there till about 4am before he starts up the engine and goes the couple of hundred yards to the next station. Having finally purchsed myself a map of China, I stated plotting my route (whilst bored on an overnight train!) and I noticed that the last epic rail journey I had undertaken only covered about 2cm on the map (the scale of the map is irrelevant - trust me when I say it ain't far!!)

To make matters worse there are absolutely no rules when it comes to rail travel. You can smoke, spit, eat smelly food and farting is pretty much compulsory, the ONLY thing you can't do on trains in China is visit the little ladies room when the train has stopped. To be exact the sign says "No toileting while train is stabling". So given my above comment about the lack of movement on the trains at night you can see where my problems arise. My bladder has tuned into the train timetable impeccibly and the second as the engine cuts out, my bladder announces that it's time to pee. At about 2am this morning whilst lying in my metre wide bed I became aware that we hadn't moved for about half an hour and I really REALLY needed to pee. Assuming there would be nobody around to stop me, I foolishly gathered up my wet wipes and headed for the communal bog. I was just hitting the door when a 2ft nothing lady lept out of nowhere and jumped right in front of me. Honestly she could not have looked more disgusted if she had just opened her front door and found me trying to defecate on her front door step!!!

Thank the lord we only have one more choo choo ride to get to Beijing becasue as much as I'm loving the crappy chinese muzak they play all night and the melodic sounds of grown men gobbing out the window, I just don't think my poor little aging bladder can take it!